I've got a stalker. Umm, he's one years, excuse me, one year old and he has ruined all my dreams in life. He's my nephew and I live with him so there are some logistical issues at hand if I do decide to involve the police, but he follows me everywhere. Even when I close my bedroom door I hear a teeny tiny knock followed by a demanding wail which obviously means "Let me in!!" I ask you, how is an aunt supposed to resist? I will tell you how. The last time I let him have free reign in my bedroom he began pounding on my scientific calculator and I couldn't graph a thing once I got to Calculus. I realize I may seem selfish and callous, but you have not heard the rest of the story. Allow me . . .
I have a vision board. It's just a regular poster board you can get at a grocery store down the school supply aisle, but I've turned it into a collage of elements I want to incorporate into my life. For instance, there are pictures of women doctors, lots of happy little families, a romantic wedding and places I would love to visit one day. I cut the various pictures out of magazines and glued them on the vision board. I have also images of people engaging in various recreational activities like running, biking and snowshoeing. I like to look at my vision board and be reminded of what I want out of life, where I wish to go and what I want to do. It helps me visualize and plus, it's fun to pretend to be a little creative. Anywho, I entered my room one day to find the pictures torn from my vision board, the shredded pieces of my dreams lying in disarray on my floor. I was in absolute dismay. I immediately knew who the culprit was and I'll have you know that I hunted him down with the intent to strangle his little neck, but when those big sad eyes looked at me fringed with the longest eyelashes I have ever seen, my violent intentions simmered down to muttered threats.
I spent a couple of hours one Sunday repairing my vision board meticulously, adding lots of new and beautiful images. It was the best version of my vision board yet. I was delighted by my handiwork, and to prevent such disasters as had previously befallen my dreams in life, I faithfully closed my bedroom door when I was not at home and charged admission when I was. Nevertheless, one day I came home from school, opened my door and found that my dreams were once again destroyed. The first time it was my dream of one day having a family that he attacked. This time it was the corner in which I had the pictures of all the doctors, especially one small article that included a picture of a female physician who traveled to third world countries providing medical care. My heart was broken and I was simultaneously outraged. I mean, how dare he?! It's a good thing God made kids so cute because this one would have never made it to the ripe old age of two! I'm sure he does not realize how lucky he is to be alive at this moment.
Working on in despair, I taped the picture of my favorite doctor back as best I could and tried to patch up the rest. You would think I would have learned by this time to not have any dreams in life or to place my vision board higher than two feet off the ground. I learned neither and it happened once more. To this day, I am too disparaged to even look at the sorry sham that used to display my fondest wishes and plans for myself. A restraining order does not seem like such a desperate measure now, does it? He's going down! If he thinks he can treat me in such a deplorable manner and get one sippy cup of kindness from me--he's wrong! It's on like Donkey Kong. The gauntlet has been thrown down, the glove has officially slapped me across the face. Little does he know that I rise to such challenges and I refuse to be bested by a one year old. I'll cut the feet off of his pajamas, I'll water down his apple juice beyond recognition, I'm crazy like that. He don't know me.
I'm open to any other suggestions that could potentially terrorize a one year old despot.